Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
