he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
