so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
