I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
