I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
