I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think my moral compass just broke
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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