Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
