And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
