does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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