FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
