You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
