I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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