you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
