1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
