dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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