watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
