before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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