i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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