I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
