I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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