Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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