Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
