her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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