Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
