Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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