I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
