Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
