What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
