My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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