my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
