Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
