Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
