if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i believe in u and ur pee
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
