i already hear my dad disowning me
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
