That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
