No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
