I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
