Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
