Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
