I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
