if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
