Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
