Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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