I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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