So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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