The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
