I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
