Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
