Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
