My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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